This is what it looks like on social media when a girl finds her world shattered as she discovers and learns about years of lies and deceit in her marriage. When suddenly all the questions of why things feel so hard when they shouldn't be, make sense. When even the good parts become tainted.
He made me no more promises at that point. He didn't promise to never use again because he knew he couldn't be trusted to keep that promise. He said he needed help and would do whatever it took and he knew it would have to not matter what I did, whether I stayed.
I felt like I had been hit by a truck that my husband was driving.
I'm so glad he chose to not hit and run.
I'm glad that he chose to call for help and that we both had qualified people to tend to us.
I'm grateful to have found my strength. And his.
He has shown me what humility looks like. Every time I recognize some response or pattern that is different in him now than six years ago, I feel like I get to see the most amazing thing because I'm witness to a real life miracle. Especially as I see how it happens without him even realizing it. Every time I feel awe or love for my husband, or I turn to him for safety and with trust, I know the miracle in me... Because I felt so broken and it felt so impossible. It's possible. I feel it in my bones, the reality and the possibility.
My husband was never a bad man for being addicted to pornography. None of them are. Even when he was at his worst, I still always knew he was a good guy. I think maybe he didn't know that for a while there. And, on this day six years ago, I definitely questioned it. Learning about the science facts of pornography (like its effects on the brain) and addiction really helped me. So much. My compassion and empathy toward my husband, self, and others have grown tremendously. I'm grateful that this day was the ending of one life, because the one we have now is infinitely more fulfilling. Is it perfect? No. Are there still some things I haven't entirely come to terms with? Yes. Does that indicate a lack of forgiveness? Absolutely not. Does it mean I have more to understand and faith that I will in time? Yes.
I don't share this, or any of these things, because I am some bitter wife who doesn't want to forget or let my husband forget. I share because I know what it felt like that day, and how desperately I needed to not feel alone, to have some semblance of hope without brushing aside the reality of the pain or making me feel like a sinner for hurting.
When we are shattered into a million pieces, we get to let God in to all the parts of our hearts. Every little nook and cranny. Because the glass is everywhere. Sometimes pieces don't get discovered or pulled out until many years later, but the Master Healer knows all. He is a patient surgeon who knows His craft. He uses other individuals, programs, tools, to assist Him quite often. To each of you who have been a part of that, I thank you. I assure you that I have not forgotten you.
To my husband, who hit me with that truck that day, thank you for choosing the better, albeit more difficult, road to take from there. For each and every day you make that choice I am grateful. I hope that one day you have it witnessed to you just what a remarkable thing that is and how it impacts far beyond just me. I love you.